For the last few days I’ve been totally stuck on what to write about in this space. About a dozen times a day I sit down with my laptop and write a few lines that I save as a draft until I delete them an hour later. (or, in the case of this post, a minute later). My sun sign is Pisces, which is commonly depicted as two fish swimming in opposite directions. Two fish struggling to get away from the center but stuck together, unable to move. That’s me, right now.
It probably isn’t a coincidence that I also feel physically stuck right now. There are a list of reasons why I feel physically dependent or confined. None of them is really a sufficient reason for not getting out (except the heat, which is ungodly in the afternoon). Every day I think of places to go, but then I usually end up choosing to stay in and read.
Living as part of an Indian family has made me much more aware of my American ways. And living with a family I didn’t grow up with leaves me feeling out of sync most of the time. I find it challenging to just relax and simply “be”. I feel like everyone around me understands something that I just don’t get.
In so many ways I feel I’m neither here nor there. Sam and I have been traveling between Bombay and Ahmedabad since his mom was diagnosed with cancer six weeks ago. Our travel plans and career plans are on hold until we learn more about her prognosis. Life is planned in pencil.
As I write this post, I imagine some of my friends telling me to breathe and be in the “stuckness”. But I don’t like it here. I feel lonely and confused and really really awkward. I’m sure there’s some sort of lesson here that I don’t understand yet. Maybe it’s because my two pisces fish are looking in different directions. But at this moment that’s all I can see.